Hello and welcome back to AFL from LA. I’m your host, Cindye, and I’m here in front of Marshall High School, which many of you might recognize from various TV shows and movies such as Grease, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Nightmare on Elm Street. So ANZAC Round. As of right now, there are two games left to play in the round, but who had St. Kilda, Adelaide, and Essendon on their Bingo card? I mean, who thought they would be top four? So here are my hot takes for round six.
Freo v Rory Lobb
Former Docker, Rory Lobb, facing off against his old team was an AFL grudge match to rival the Real Housewives of Melbourne. Freo fans relentlessly booed him while the players belted him and messed up his hair. After the game, Bulldog’s coach, Luke Beveridge, said that Rory handled the pressure like a champ. More like a chomp who froze up and kicked 1.3. Freo coach, Justin Longmuir, said that the focus on Rory was not the reason for the loss. No shit. It was the game plan. Or lack thereof. Uh, hello, didn’t we talk about this last week? Freo moved the ball way too slow out of the defense. They have no forwards who lead up at the ball, and they bomb to Walters, who as good as he is, cannot compete against three savages every time. Rumors are swirling that JLo’s job is on the line. And I could have sworn I saw him logging on to LinkedIn during the fourth quarter. But there is some upside. Freo has a ton of young players, and if Luke Jackson actually starts holding a mark and they start moving the ball faster, things could turn around really fast. And I’m just thinking … does Freo trade Nat Fyfe to see what they can get?
Tim English Trade Rumors
Tim English. Wow. A little birdie told me that we might be seeing him in an Eagles jumper in the not too distant future.
Eagle’s Injury Crisis
In a turn of events that shocked precisely no one, captain Luke Shuey returned from injury only to re-injure himself. This adds to the club’s already growing injury list of 18 players out, including Nic Nat, who we just found out is going to be out for another eight weeks. Eagle’s strength and conditioning have started to explore other methods of training, which include bouncy castles, bubble wrap, and a strict no touch policy. The crisis at West Coast has gotten so bad that, just like Batman answering the bat signal, retired Will Schofield put on the cape and the boots and returned to the WAFL to make up the numbers. Eight kicks, three marks, and a goal. Nice work, Will. And maybe Will Schofield’s return might inspire another retired superstar to come back sometime this season. Hi, Josh.
Geelong v David King
This week, Geelong told the competition to hold their walking sticks while they kicked Sydney’s asses. I actually called Foxtel cuz I thought they were showing a replay of last year’s grand final. It was only by not seeing Robbie Williams there that I realized my mistake. The Cats kicked 133 points in that game, and 130 last night. A step backwards, as David King would say. Since King pronounced the Cats dead a few weeks ago, they’ve kicked 120+ points in three consecutive games. All clubs are now putting in calls to David King to officially write them off as well.
Adelaide/Hawthorn Heartstopper
Adelaide fans are still checking their pulses after that one. It wasn’t pretty, but Fogerty and Rankine got ’em the four points they needed, at an oval they hadn’t won at in 18 years. Fogerty is becoming truly elite. And Rankine, who David King said was poorly advised to leave the Gold Coast Suns, is now becoming a superstar of the competition. And if he keeps this up, he’s gonna have his own pocket at the Adelaide Oval named after him. (Love you, Eddie Betts.) And hottie of the week, Rory Sloane, had another huge last quarter. Hawks fans had every right to be pissed off at the end of this game, because it looked pretty clear to me, and I think everyone watching, that there was a blatant in-the-back free kick that was not called in front of goal. May have made the difference in this game. For everyone who commented last week on whether or not the crows were the real deal, I do not think their performance this week has settled the matter. Except, of course, for Port Adelaide supporter Paul, who thinks you guys are shit.
Carlton’s Predicament
Carlton are really proving the theory of system over talent. They have two number one draft picks. They have two Coleman medalists. They have one Brownlow medalist. They have a ton of talent and superstars and they still can’t get their shit together. It seems like Voss and Longmuir have the same game plan. They just chip it around in the back and then bomb it to a three-on-one inside 50. And St. Kilda are proving the theory that Ross is the boss. Polish going forward, super tight team defense, huge improvement in their no name players. The Blues were +86 for disposals and they still lost by four goals. Carlton have gone from a contested possession powerhouse to … I don’t know what, and it saddens me, because I like them. One thing is for sure, Michael Voss has to turn things around quick or the whole of Lygon Street is going to be after him. And I’m telling you, it is not easy to get meatball stains out of clothing.
RIP Barry Humphries
So that’s it for this week, possums. We dedicate this episode to the great Barry Humphries. Rest in peace.